DON'T YOU THINK IT IS UNUSUAL,
CALLING THE PRESS TOGETHER LIKE THIS IN THE KREMLIN?
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED, SOME NEW CRISIS.
PROBABLY THE GOVERNMENT'S DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON,
ALL FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS MUST BE BLINDFOLDED
AND LED AROUND BY SEEING EYE DOGS.
"ANYTHING TO KEEP THE TRUTH OUT OF PRINT"
IS THEIR MOTTO.
PLEASE, MISS WILSON, DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING AGAINST THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.
MY DEAR VON HOFER, A GERMAN JOURNALIST
IS NOT IN THE POSITION
TO COMPLAIN AGAINST THE ABSENCE OF TRUTH ANYWHERE.
RIGHT YOU ARE, MISS WILSON.
EXCUSE ME!
WITH PLEASURE, OLD BOY.
A FINE WORLD PRESS WE ARE.
WE CAN'T EVEN SEND OUT A WEATHER REPORT WITHOUT HAVING IT CENSORED.
QUIET, PLEASE.
COMMISSAR VASILIEV.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT I, COMMISSAR VASILIEV,
HEAD OF THE SECRET POLICE,
HAVE TAKEN OVER THE CENSORSHIP OF THE FOREIGN PRESS.
QUIET, PLEASE!
THIS STEP HAS BEEN MADE NECESSARY
BY THE CONTINUED ACTIVITIES OF ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES
WHO WRITES UNDER THE NAME OF COMRADE X.
PARDON ME, COMMISSAR, BUT COMRADE MOLKOFF ASSURED US
THAT COMRADE X HAD BEEN ARRESTED AND LIQUIDATED
AFTER MAKING A FULL CONFESSION.
MY PREDECESSOR COMRADE MOLKOFF WAS MISTAKEN,
UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM AND FOR THE 3 UNHAPPY CITIZENS
OF MY COUNTRY WHOM HE ELIMINATED.
COMRADE X IS STILL ALIVE
AND DEFYING THE CENSORSHIP OF THE SOVIET.
HE IS STILL SENDING OUT FALSE STORIES!
HE IS STILL PHOTOGRAPHING FORBIDDEN PLACES!
AND HIS MALICIOUS WRITINGS
ARE STILL BEING BROADCAST ALL OVER THE WORLD.
THIS SITUATION MUST BE STOPPED!
UNTIL THE REAL COMRADE X IS FOUND, EVERY MEMBER OF THE FOREIGN PRESS
WILL BE TREATED AS A POTENTIAL ENEMY OF THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE MOSCOW.
NO PERMIT OF ANY KIND WILL BE GIVEN.
ALL TELEPHONE CALLS WILL BE UNDER FIRM CONTROL.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE US DEPORTED.
WE CAN'T GET OUT ANY STORIES IF WE CAN'T GET AROUND.
EXACTLY. YOU ARE TO GET NO STORIES.
DO I UNDERSTAND, COMMISSAR,
THAT WE ARE NOT TO CALL ON COMRADE MOLKOFF
FOR ANY NEWS FROM THIS DEPARTMENT?
THERE IS NO COMRADE MOLKOFF.
THE FORMER HEAD OF THE PRESS DEPARTMENT
WAS A VICTIM LAST NIGHT OF A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT.
HE WAS APPARENTLY, SHALL WE SAY, NOT WATCHING HIS STEP.
I AM SPEAKING AT HIS GRAVE
AT THE KAPULSKI CEMETERY AT 3:00.
IS MR. THOMPSON HERE?
ALL CORRESPONDENTS WERE ASKED TO BE HERE.
WHERE IS McKINLEY B. THOMPSON OF THE TOPEKA BUGLE?
HE'S AT KURKINO, COMMISSAR.
I GOT THIS TELEGRAM FROM HIM YESTERDAY MORNING.
"AM TWO BOTTLES AHEAD IN OFFICERS' DRINKING CONTEST.
"KINDLY SEND A FEW RUBLES AND A LARGE ICE BAG
FOR VICTORIOUS RETURN TO MOSCOW."
SILENCE!
THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER INFORMATION FROM THIS DEPARTMENT
UNTIL COMRADE X HAS BEEN FINALLY DISPOSED OF.
GOOD DAY.
WELL, WELL, WELL!
WHAT? OH! OH, WE'RE HERE, HUH?
ALL RIGHT.
OH. YEAH.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU ARE, SPORT.
AND DON'T KISS ME. PLEASE.
HEY, STOP IT. STOP IT!
GO PEDDLE YOUR PIGS.
MR. THOMPSON!
HA HA HA!
HELLO, VANYA.
ADIOS, COMRADE.
VANYA, WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
FRIDAY.
ALREADY?
YES.
THAT VODKA MUST HAVE BEEN STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT.
I AM GLAD YOU ARE BACK, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME?
I MUST HAVE, IF IT'S FRIDAY.
WHAT'S THE NEWS AROUND THIS FISH TRAP?
WELL, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS.
LAST WEEK ALL THE TOWELS WERE STOLEN,
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THE WATER WASN'T RUNNING,
SO NOBODY NEEDED A TOWEL.
EVERYTHING BALANCES.
WHO IS THIS STRANGE FIGURE?
THIS IS COMRADE BARONOFF,
OUR NEW HOTEL MANAGER.
OH! OH.
THE NAME IS McKINLEY B. THOMPSON OF THE TOPEKA BUGLE,
YOUR PREDECESSOR'S FAVORITE JOURNALIST.
WELCOME TO OUR HOTEL, COMRADE.
ROOM 301.
ANY MAIL OR TELEGRAMS?
MR. BARONOFF, I LEFT MY ROOM 20 MINUTES AGO.
I JUST CAME BACK, AND MY BED IS GONE.
ARE YOU SURE, MADAM?
SOMEBODY HAS STOLEN MY BED, I TELL YOU.
THERE'S NO SIGN OF A BED IN MY ROOM.
THE VERY IDEA OF STEALING A BED RIGHT OUT OF MY ROOM!
MAYBE THEY WANTED IT FOR THE PARADE.
KINDLY SIT DOWN, MADAM.
WE WILL SOLVE YOUR SITUATION IN A FEW MOMENTS.
IT MAY NOT BE NECESSARY TO PLACE YOU UNDER ARREST.
ARREST?!
YOU FORGOT MY KEY.
I'M SORRY. THERE IS NO KEY FOR YOU.
THE HOTEL IS FILLED. YOUR ROOM IS NOW OCCUPIED.
IT IS? A LADY?
NO, SIR.
THEN THROW HIM OUT.
PLEASE. THE GENTLEMAN OCCUPYING YOUR ROOM
IS HERR VON HOFER OF THE GERMAN NEWS AGENCY.
HE IS SPECIAL FROM THE KREMLIN.
HOFER? GOOD OLD HOFER!
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
WHY, WE'RE OLD PALS.
IT'LL BE FUN BUNKING IN WITH OLD PRETZEL-HEAD HOFER AGAIN.
YOU'RE SURE THERE WILL BE NO TROUBLE?
TROUBLE? WHY, WE'RE PRACTICALLY HONEYMOONERS.
OH, LISTEN. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I WANT THE WAITER TO BRING ME UP ONE BOTTLE OF BRANDY,
ONE BOTTLE OF VODKA, TWO CUCUMBERS,
THREE RAW EGGS,
AND A SMALL BOTTLE OF TABASCO.
RIGHT AWAY.
DELAY WILL BE FATAL.
MADAM, YOUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
YOU WILL SLEEP ON THIS TILL WE RECOVER THE MISSING BED.
WHAT?
HOW LONG HAS THE ELEVATOR BEEN STUCK THIS TIME?
8 HOURS.
THEY ARE GOING TO REPORT IT TO THE BUREAU OF ELEVATORS.
WHAT'S THE RUSH?
THEY THINK THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN IT.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR THE ENGINEER,
BUT NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE IS.
PERSONALLY, I THINK HE IS IN THE ELEVATOR.
HERE. HAVE THIS CLEANED, PRESSED, AND DELOUSED.
MR. THOMPSON, EXCUSE ME!
THIS IS MY ROOM, AND I'M BUSY.
SO AM I. GO RIGHT AHEAD,
ONLY DON'T HOLLER SO LOUD WHEN YOU DICTATE.
I GOT A HEAD ON ME LIKE AN INCINERATOR.
TURN ON THE BATH, IF IT'S WORKING.
MR. THOMPSON, THIS IS MY ROOM,
AND I MUST ASK YOU TO VACATE, IF YOU PLEASE!
THAT'S A FINE WAY TO TALK.
I GET THIS ROOM, I FIX IT UP,
I PAY FOR IT IN ADVANCE, AND I LIVE IN IT.
YOU MARCH IN AND TRY TO THROW ME OUT.
IS THAT A NICE WAY FOR A NAZI TO ACT? I ASK YOU.
AND I ASK YOU FOR THE LAST TIME TO LEAVE MY ROOM!
OUR ROOM, OLD BOY.
YOU CAN TAKE THE COUCH. I'LL TAKE THE BED.
EXCUSE ME, MR. THOMPSON.
HOW SOON CAN I TALK TO YOU ALONE?
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TILL I'M ALONE, VANYA.
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
OLGA.
OK, OLGA. YOU CAN CURL UP IN THE FIREPLACE.
THAT'S RUSSIA-EVERYBODY SHARES EVERYTHING.
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO SHARE A ROOM
WITH AN IRRESPONSIBLE AMERICAN LOUT,
A MAN WHO IS A DISGRACE
TO THE PROFESSION OF JOURNALISM-
SHH! HOLD IT. YOU HEAR THAT?
HEAR WHAT?
THE RATS. THEY'VE BEEN NIBBLING AWAY AT THIS HOTEL
EVER SINCE COMRADE LENIN DIED.
THERE HE IS.
LOOK AT HIM... LICKING HIS WHISKERS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I MISSED HIM.
THAT SETTLES IT!
I AM GOING FIRST TO THE MANAGEMENT,
NEXT TO THE GERMAN EMBASSY, THEN TO THE KREMLIN.
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT'S NOT SO EASY
TO TAKE AWAY THE RIGHTS FROM A GERMAN!
WELL, IT'S GREAT TO BE HOME.
GOOD-BYE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WITH MR. HOFER. I'M HIS SECRETARY.
WHAT'S HE PAY YOU?
200 RUBLES A WEEK.
I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED-CASH.
OH, THANK YOU. I'LL TAKE IT.
OK, SNOOKS.
YOUR FIRST DUTY IS TO RELAX AND TAKE IT EASY
WHILE I JUMP IN THE TUB.
HELLO. WHAT'S THIS? OPEN HOUSE?
WHERE'S MR. THOMPSON?
HE'S WASHING HIMSELF IN A BATHTUB.
SIT DOWN, PLEASE, AND WAIT.
HEY, MAC, HURRY IT UP.
HELLO, JANEY. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
JUST HEARD YOU WERE BACK.
OUR COLLEAGUE HERR VON HOFER IS RAISING THE ROOF DOWNSTAIRS.
CLAIMS YOU KICKED HIM OUT.
THAT'S A LIE.
I STARTED SHOOTING AT SOME RATS,
AND VON HOFER TOOK IT PERSONALLY.
HELLO, HONEYBUN. YOU MISS ME?
OH, I CAN ALWAYS GO TO THE ZOO WHEN YOU'RE AWAY.
OH, I GOT RIVALS, HUH?
WHAT'S THE IDEA OF COMING IN WITHOUT KNOCKING?
EXCUSE ME.
OH, HERE WE ARE!
THE GREATEST PICK-ME-UP KNOWN TO MAN.
YOU REALLY MISSED SOMETHING AT THE KREMLIN THIS MORNING, MAC.
YEAH? HOW IS THE OLD KREMLIN?
SAME OLD RATTRAP. FULL OF STUFFED SHIRTS DOUBLE-CROSSING THE MASSES.
SOMEDAY THE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET WISE
AND TAKE IT APART BRICK BY BRICK.
EXCUSE ME. YOU WISH TO PAY FOR THIS?
YEAH. HOW MUCH?
230 RUBLES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
TWO BOTTLES AT 15 RUBLES APIECE.
WHAT'S THE 200 FOR?
THAT'S FOR ME SO I AM NOT TELLING THE SECRET POLICE
HOW THE LADY TALKED ABOUT THE KREMLIN.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S CHEAP, AT THAT.
HERE YOU ARE, PALSIE.
LUCKY THING FOR ME YOU CAN'T READ MY MIND.
YOU'D BE A MILLIONAIRE.
I AM VERY HAPPY! THANK YOU.
WELL, I PULLED YOU OUT OF THAT HOLE, JANE.
THANKS.
WELL, TO GET BACK TO THE KREMLIN,
IN CASE YOU WANT SOME MORE NEWS YOU CAN'T SEND OUT,
THEY'VE BUMPED OFF GOOD OLD COMMISSAR MOLKOFF.
YOU DON'T SAY. ANY PARTICULAR REASON?
THEY GOT MAD ON HIM BECAUSE HE FAILED TO DIG UP COMRADE X.
WHO'S BATTING FOR MOLKOFF?
THE HEAD BOGEYMAN- VASILIEV.
OH, OLD APPLE CHEEKS, HUH?
YOU, UH, FIGURE HE ERASED MOLKOFF?
NO DOUBT OF IT.
SHOT HIS OLD PAL IN THE BACK, AND TODAY HE'LL CRY OVER HIS GRAVE.
YEAH? WHEN?
3:00.
WHERE?
AT THE KAPULSKI CEMETERY.
WHY?
EVERY TIME THEY PUT A NEW LIBERATOR IN THE GROUND,
THEY THROW ANOTHER BANQUET-FREE.
VODKA, SHASHLIK, CAVIAR, STUFFED GOOSE, AND MORE VODKA.
FINE TALK FROM McKINLEY B. THOMPSON.
HONESTLY, YOU MAKE ME SICK.
TWO YEARS AGO I LOOKED UP TO YOU AS THE BEST REPORTER IN THE BUSINESS,
AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.
FACE THE FACTS, BABY. THERE AIN'T NO NEWS IN RUSSIA.
OK, MAC.
I NEVER MINDED ANYTHING YOU DID,
NOT EVEN WHEN YOU WALTZED OUT ON ME IN TOKYO
FOR A BOWLEGGED GEISHA GIRL.
SHE LOVED ME.
BUT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO YOU AS A NO-GOOD, INCOMPETENT PARTY BOY.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU LIED TO ME.
HERR VON HOFER TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
YOU'RE NOT LIKE HONEYMOONERS.
HE DESPISES YOU.
HONEYMOONERS. HA! GET OUT OF HERE!
SEE? PLEASE TO GET OUT.
NOBODY'S GETTING OUT OF ANYWHERE!
NOW, LISTEN, YOU PRETZEL DUSTER. THIS IS MY ROOM.
HELLO.
YES.
MR. THOMPSON, IF I CAME UP TO SEE YOU NOW, WOULD YOU BE ALONE?
WHAT'S THAT?
GERMANY WHAT?
YOU DON'T SAY!
TANKS, HUH?
WHEN?
I SEE.
HMM!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND...
YOU'RE SURPRISED? I'M KNOCKED FLAT!
HOLY IKE! THANKS.
WHAT IS IT?
GERMANY JUST DECLARED WAR ON RUSSIA.
10 TANK DIVISIONS JUST MOVED INTO THE UKRAINE,
AND SCHNITZEL PUSS THERE NEVER TOLD US A WORD ABOUT IT.
WHO WAS THAT SPEAKING?
AMERICAN EMBASSY.
LIEBER HIMMEL.
GERMAN DOG! OUT!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU RUSSIAN DOG!
OUTSIDE, BEFORE I KILL YOU!
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED ME.
YOU THOUGHT RIGHT.
COME OVER HERE.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO TAKE SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME.
YOU'RE, UH... NOT A BAD-LOOKING GIRL, ARE YOU?
LET'S GET A BETTER LOOK AT YOU.
MY GLASSES! PLEASE, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU WON'T NEED GLASSES FOR THIS.
HOW ABOUT A DRINK TO CEMENT A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP?
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
PLEASE, MR. THOMPSON.
COME HERE.
I DO NOT WISH TO BE A SILLY BOURGEOIS GIRL,
BUT YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE BIT TOO FAST FOR ME, MR. THOMPSON.
THE 5-YEAR PLAN IS ALL RIGHT FOR CERTAIN THINGS,
BUT NOT FOR THIS.
IS THIS GLASS FULL?
YEAH. THAT'S THE WAY YOU DRINK IT.
IT'S GOT CUCUMBERS IN IT.
LIKE BORSCHT!
AMERICAN BORSCHT.
I MADE IT MYSELF.
MAYBE YOU'RE PLAYING JOKES ON ME.
LET'S CHANGE GLASSES. DO YOU MIND?
I'VE NEVER SEEN A RUSSIAN YET THAT WASN'T SUSPICIOUS.
IT'S PATHETIC.
IT'S BETTER THAN BORSCHT.
I LIKE IT.
I CAN'T SEE ANY CUCUMBERS.
YOU'LL SEE THEM IN A MINUTE.
I LOVE AMERICANS BEST.
YEAH. YEAH. THAT'S ONE THING YOU GOT TO HAND AMERICANS-
THEY'RE PERFECT.
PERFECT!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, PERFECT? NOTHING.
AMERICA IS PERFECT, BUT RUSSIA IS BETTER.
WHY? YOU ASK.
BECAUSE RUSSIA HAS A SOUL.
AND WHAT IS THIS SOUL?
IT IS SUFFERING AND BEAUTY.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU'VE NEVER SUFFERED.
COMRADE, I WANT SOME MORE BORSCHT.
HELP YOURSELF.
EXCUSE ME.
HANG IT UP, WILL YOU?
OH, MR. THOMPSON!
PLEASE, MR. THOMPSON. I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ALONE, IN PRIVATE.
OK, VANYA.
I LIKE AMERICANS BEST.
HA HA! HEE HEE!
AHH!
HA HA HA!
EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T WANT HER TO HEAR WHAT I GOT TO SAY.
SHE'S A SPY.
YEAH, I KNOW. EVERYBODY'S A SPY.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE YOU, VANYA.
YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO BE A SPY.
THANK YOU.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU NEVER MET MY DAUGHTER?
NO. I NEVER HAD THE PLEASURE, VANYA.
OH, I LOVE HER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? IN TROUBLE?
SHE IS IN TERRIBLE DANGER.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
WHAT'S SHE DONE?
SHE IS A COMMUNIST.
YOU DON'T SAY.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE ALLOWED IN RUSSIA.
OH, THE WORST THING YOU CAN BE.
AT FIRST, THEY WERE VERY POPULAR.
THEY KILLED EVERYBODY.
BUT NOW WE HAVE IN RUSSIA A DOUBLE SITUATION.
THE COMMUNISTS HAVE IDEALS, BUT THEY FOUND OUT YOU CAN'T RUN A GOVERNMENT
WITH EVERYBODY GOING AROUND HAVING IDEALS.
SO WHAT IS HAPPENING?
THE COMMUNISTS ARE BEING EXECUTED SO THAT COMMUNISM SHOULD SUCCEED.
YEAH. I KNOW.
THEY KEEP IT UP LONG ENOUGH, IT'LL BE A GREAT COUNTRY.
MY DAUGHTER REFUSES TO GIVE UP HER IDEALS.
ANY DAY, SHE MIGHT BE DEAD, MR. THOMPSON-
HER AND HER IDEALS TOGETHER.
I WOULDN'T WORRY TOO MUCH, VANYA.
THERE ARE LOTS OF RUSSIANS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN SHOT.
OH, NOT MY GOLUBKA.
THE MINUTE THEY ASK HER QUESTIONS,
SHE WILL MAKE A SPEECH, AND THEY SHOOT HER.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MUZZLE HER?
NO.
YOU MUST TAKE HER OUT OF RUSSIA, MR. THOMPSON.
THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE HER LIFE.
WELL, I'M SORRY, PAL, BUT I DON'T HAPPEN TO BE LEAVING RUSSIA.
YES, YOU DO.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE HER OUT OF RUSSIA TONIGHT.
YOU'RE CUCKOO, VANYA.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU ARE FORCING ME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT RADIO, VANYA?
CAMERAS ARE FORBIDDEN IN MOSCOW.
SO WHAT?
SO THIS IS A CAMERA.
OK.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT ON YOUR MIND?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I'LL BITE, VANYA.
WHO AM I?
MR. THOMPSON, YOU ARE COMRADE X.
YOU DON'T SAY.
WHO PUT THIS HORRIBLE IDEA IN YOUR HEAD, VANYA?
KILL ME, MR. THOMPSON. IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD,
BECAUSE IF YOU KILL ME, YOU HAVE STILL GOT MITKA.
MITKA? WHO IS MITKA?
HE'S MY FRIEND.
HE'S WAITING BY THE TELEPHONE NOW.
WE ARRANGED THAT IF I DON'T CALL HIM UP BY 9:00
AND TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT WE WANT,
HE'LL GO TO THE POLICE QUICK.
AND WHAT WILL THIS STOOGE PAL OF YOURS TELL THE POLICE, VANYA?
EVERYTHING.
ABOUT THE THINGS I FIND IN YOUR POCKETS WHEN I AM PRESSING YOUR PANTS
AND ABOUT THAT HANDKERCHIEF.
WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?
HE WILL SHOW THEM YOUR HANDKERCHIEF,
THE ONE THAT HAS ALWAYS INK ON IT AND THAT HAS HOLES IN IT,
AND HE WILL SHOW THEM HOW, IF YOU PUT THAT HANDKERCHIEF
OVER THE STORIES YOU SEND TO AMERICA,
COMES OUT SOMETHING DIFFERENT-
COMES OUT STORIES BY COMRADE X.
THAT'S WHY YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER OUT OF RUSSIA TONIGHT,
MR. COMRADE X!
OK, FLEA FACE.
HOW MUCH FOR YOU, AND HOW MUCH FOR MITKA?
NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T WANT MONEY.
I WANT YOU TO SAVE MY DAUGHTER.
MR. THOMPSON, I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M A FATHER.
WHERE IS THIS MITKA?
HE'S WAITING BY THE TELEPHONE NOW.
WHAT TELEPHONE?
NO, NO, MR. THOMPSON.
DO WHAT YOU WANT. I WILL NEVER TELL.
LISTEN, VANYA, IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS THING,
I'VE GOT TO KNOW WHO THIS MITKA IS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
TELL HIM TO COME OVER HERE, AND WE'LL ALL HAVE A CONFERENCE.
THIS IS A BIG JOB. I NEED HIS HELP.
HE SOUNDS LIKE A BRIGHT FELLA.
NO, MR. THOMPSON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?
IN 10 MINUTES, ALL WILL BE OVER.
WHAT WILL BE OVER?
YOU, ME, GOLUBKA- EVERYTHING.
IN 10 MINUTES, MITKA WILL BE BY THE POLICE.
YOU BUMBLE-HEAD MANIAC.
WELL, OK. YOU WIN.
IF I TAKE HER OUT, YOU'LL CALL IT QUITS - YOU AND MITKA?
YES.
DOES SHE WANT TO GET OUT?
OH, NO! SHE LOVES RUSSIA.
THAT'S FINE.
WHERE IS SHE NOW?
SHE IS ON THE STREETCAR.
TELL HER TO COME AND SEE ME.
SHE CAN'T LEAVE THE CAR.
WHY NOT?
SHE IS A MOTORMAN.
SO THE DEAL IS, I GET AN OBSTINATE LADY MOTORMAN
OUT OF A COUNTRY SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE.
YES.
WELL, OK. CALL HIM UP.
WHAT SHALL I TELL MITKA?
YOU CAN TELL HIM THAT McKINLEY B. THOMPSON
IS THE BIGGEST HORSE'S NECK THAT EVER HAD A CAN TIED TO HIS TAIL.
HOLY IKE.
AFTER OUTWITTING THE WHOLE RUSSIAN POLICE,
I END UP TAKING ORDERS FROM TWO OF THE DUMBEST MUSCOVITES ON EARTH.
THERE SHE IS. STOP!
SHE'LL ONLY STOP FOR A SECOND.
HELLO, BABY.
I DON'T LIKE TO STAND HERE BOTHERING YOU LIKE THIS
WHEN YOU'RE SO BUSY, GOLUBKA, BUT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
MY NAME IS THEODORE.
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THEODORE TO ME.
I WAS NAMED AT THE WORKERS' COUNCIL.
SOMEBODY DIDN'T HAVE HIS GLASSES ON.
IT IS NOT GLASSES. IT IS THE LAW.
STREETCARS MUST BE DRIVEN BY MALES.
THAT'S WHY THEY CHANGED ME.
I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T GRAFT A BEARD ON YOU.
OK. IF YOU WANT TO BE THEODORE.
YOU WERE WITH MY FATHER?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
HE THINKS BECAUSE I'M RUNNING A STREETCAR HE CAN RIDE FREE-
HE AND HIS FRIENDS.
YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY. 20 KOPECKS, PLEASE.
PUT IN HERE.
AH, RUSSIA.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH IT?
I'M SAYING GOOD-BYE TO IT.
IT'S LIKE SAYING GOOD-BYE TO A WOMAN YOU LOVE,
NEVER GOING TO SEE AGAIN.
YOU LOVE RUSSIA?
OH, IT'S MY WHOLE LIFE.
YOU KNOW, I SAID TO YOUR FATHER,
"VANYA, I WANT TO SPEND MY LAST NIGHT IN RUSSIA
ON A STREETCAR AMONG THE MASSES."
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
YOU'RE AN AMERICAN.
PLEASE. PLEASE. I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF THAT NOW.
I READ IN THE PRAVDA 10 MILLION PEOPLE
STARVED TO DEATH LAST WINTER IN THE UNITED STATES,
AND THERE WAS NOBODY TO BURY THEM.
BURY THEM?
THEY DON'T BURY PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES. THEY BURN THEM.
NATION OF THIEVES.
YES. YES. THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING BACK TO.
EVER HEAR OF THE BROOKLYN DODGERS?
NO.
THEY GET MURDERED EVERY DAY.
MURDERED? WHAT FOR?
FOR MAKING SOME LITTLE ERRORS.
THERE MUST BE A REVOLUTION SOON IN AMERICA.
NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE A REVOLUTION
WITH PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN HOT DOGS AND BOOGIE-WOOGIE.
EXCUSE, PLEASE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF, COMRADE.
YOU'RE THINKING YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN.
NEVER.
IT IS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
YOU LIKE NATURE?
DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK RIGHT AWAY?
WHO?
THE STREETCAR.
OH, HIM. RUBICK TAKES HIM BACK.
YOU ARE IN A HURRY?
WELL, I GOT TO LEAVE IN THE MORNING.
COME. WE'LL WAIT FOR RUBICK TOGETHER.
COMRADE, PLEASE DON'T BE SAD.
THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, EVEN IN AMERICA.
CAREFUL, PLEASE! IT IS FULL OF HOLES.
THE PROBLEM OF TAKING AWAY THE MASSES
FROM BOOGIE-WOOGIE IS A DIFFICULT ONE.
YES, IT IS.
YOU'RE THINKING OF THAT?
WHAT I WAS THINKING IS, UH...
WHY DON'T YOU COME TO AMERICA WITH ME?
YES. I WAS THINKING OF THAT, TOO.
YOU WERE?
I FEEL SORRY FOR AMERICA.
I WOULD LIKE TO HELP IT.
YOU COULD.
YES. I COULD HELP THOSE PEOPLE IN BROOKLYN.
WHAT IS THEIR NAME?
THE-THE DODGERS.
AH. I COULD HELP THEM.
THEODORE, I MADE UP MY MIND.
YOU'D DO MORE GOOD FOR COMMUNISM IN AMERICA THAN ANYONE SINCE COLUMBUS.
NO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?
I CANNOT LEAVE RUSSIA.
KARL MARX LEFT RUSSIA.
HE WAS NEVER IN RUSSIA.
AHEM. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
OH, I SEE.
YOU'D BE BETTER THAN KARL MARX. YOU'RE PRETTIER.
OH, YOU'RE-YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME.
NO. I'M JUST SPEAKING FROM A PRACTICAL POINT OF VIEW.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEEN WRONG WITH COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA IN AMERICA?
WHAT CAN BE WRONG WITH IT?
TOO MANY CROSS-EYED PEOPLE WITH WHISKERS PEDDLING IT.
OH, YOU MEAN INTELLECTUALS.
THAT'S RIGHT. COMRADE, IT'S AN INSPIRATION.
WHAT IS?
ONE BEAUTIFUL GIRL WITH THE SMILE OF AN ANGEL WHISPERING "I LOVE RUSSIA"
IS WORTH A WHOLE WAGONLOAD OF INTELLECTUALS.
BEAUTY IS NOTHING.
YES, YES. I AGREE WITH YOU, COMRADE.
I HAVE NO USE FOR BEAUTY IN A WOMAN... UH, TO SPEAK OF...
UNLESS SHE IS FULL OF IDEALS.
WHY, A WOMAN LIKE YOU COULD USE HER BEAUTY-
NOT TO ENSLAVE FOOLS, BUT TO SET MEN FREE.
WHAT IS YOUR PROPOSITION?
WELL, I SAY WE GO TOGETHER AND WORK FOR THE CAUSE.
WOULD YOU WANT ME TO GO AS A MOTORMAN?
NO. AS A WOMAN.
THERE. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
THAT'S WHAT THE CAUSE IN AMERICA NEEDS,
JUST WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
WHAT AM I DOING?
SMILING.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULDN'T SELL WITH A SMILE LIKE THAT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU ARE THE FIRST AMERICAN I'VE EVER MET WITH A SOUL.
IT HAS A STRANGE EFFECT ON ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
AMERICAN MEN ARE USUALLY ALL ALIKE,
ALL INTERESTED IN ONLY ONE THING.
MONEY.
WORSE THAN THAT.
AHEM. THE, UH...
THE RIGHTS OF THE MASSES MEAN NOTHING TO THEM.
LIKE ANIMALS WITHOUT SOULS.
YES. WHY, OVER THERE, MEN LOOK ON WOMEN AS...
AS JUST TOYS TO HAVE FUN WITH, NOTHING MORE-
NOT TO EXCHANGE VIEWS ON ECONOMICS WITH AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
THAT'S AWFUL.
MAKES ME FEEL SAD.
ME, TOO.
THE BLUE FAIRY.
AHEM. WHERE WERE WE?
I WAS JUST SAYING I COULD DO A LOT OF GOOD IN AMERICA.
YES. SO YOU WERE.
HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! TELL HIM TO STOP.
HEY!
WHY?
SO WE CAN RIDE BACK WITH HIM.
BUT OFFICIALS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO RIDE IN STREETCARS.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES GRAFT.
WHAT?
WE WILL WALK.
TO MOSCOW? THAT'S 7 MILES!
WHAT DOES IT MATTER? WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
AH, I'M SO HAPPY.
COMRADE, HAVE YOU READ BASAROFF'S BOOK
THE IRON LAW OF OVERPRODUCTION?
NO. I DON'T THINK SO.
I'M GLAD.
I WILL RECITE IT TO YOU SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO READ IT.
THE FIRST CHAPTER OF BASAROFF'S BOOK
IS CALLED "DARK CLOUDS."
IT BEGINS LIKE THIS.
"THE DEAD FINGERS OF CAPITALISM
"ARE SLOWLY RELAXING THEIR HOLD
"ON THE THROAT OF WORLD PRODUCTION,
BUT WE MUST NOT REJOICE TOO SOON..."
NOW, CHAPTER 14 TAKES UP THE SECRETS OF INTERNATIONAL BANKING
AND ITS MENACE TO WORLD REFORM.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? GO ON. CHAPTER 14.
YOU'RE TIRED. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
I HEARD EVERY WORD.
NO, COMRADE. TOMORROW NIGHT, CHAPTER 14.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I LIVE HERE.
I'M LEAVING TOMORROW.
WE HAVEN'T TIME TO SEPARATE IF YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
THERE'S A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
OH, I SEE. WELL, IF WE MUST HURRY, I'LL HURRY.
I GO PACK MY SUITCASE. YOU WAIT HERE.
OK. HURRY UP.
HEY, HURRY UP, WILL YOU, COMRADE?
I ADVISE YOU TO GO HOME TO YOUR HOTEL.
LATER, IT GETS VERY COLD HERE ON THE STEPS.
WELL, THAT'S A FINE RUSSIAN TRICK.
COMRADE, ALL I KNOW OF YOU IS THAT YOU'RE A FRIEND OF MY FATHER'S,
WHO IS A CHILD.
IF YOU THINK I'VE BEEN LYING TO YOU ALL THIS TIME,
WHY DON'T YOU SAY SO?
WHAT I SAY IS THAT YOU'RE MAKING ME SUSPICIOUS.
YOU'RE A STRANGER WHO GETS ON MY STREETCAR, KISSES ME,
AND WANTS ME TO LEAVE RUSSIA WITH HIM TONIGHT.
NO.
I INTEND TO INVESTIGATE YOU FROM EVERY ANGLE.
NOW I SAY GO HOME. GOOD NIGHT.
MR. THOMPSON.
OH, HELLO. I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.
VANYA, WE'RE ALL SET. YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS WAITING FOR ME AT THE AIRPORT.
WONDERFUL GIRL. I'M VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, VANYA.
NEVER EXPECTED A MOTORMAN TO TURN OUT SO PRETTY.
YOU WERE ALL WRONG ABOUT HER BEING STUBBORN.
SHE'S RARIN' TO GO.
WE'RE LEAVING ON THE FIRST PLANE.
SHE ASKED ME TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOU FOR HER.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU ARE LYING.
YOU DON'T THINK I'D LIE ABOUT A THING LIKE THIS
WHEN I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO YOU?
MITKA HAS TOLD ME BY THE TELEPHONE.
TOLD YOU WHAT?
EVERYTHING-HOW SHE SLAMMED THE DOOR ON YOU.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU MUST TRY AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, I'M LYING.
YOU GOT A LOPHEADED WITCH FOR A DAUGHTER, AND YOU CAN KEEP HER.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU ARE GOING TO MURDER MY DAUGHTER.
OH, STOP TALKING THROUGH THAT FUR HAT OF YOURS.
I'M MURDERING NOBODY.
SHE'S TWICE AS CUCKOO AS YOU!
I DID EVERYTHING I COULD, BUT SHE WON'T GO.
YOU ARE KILLING HER.
YOU ARE GOING AWAY ALONE AND LEAVING HER BEHIND TO DIE!
NO, MR. THOMPSON. YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF RUSSIA ALIVE.
I'M YOUR FRIEND, MR. THOMPSON.
YES, I AM YOUR FRIEND,
BUT I WILL NOT LET YOU MURDER MY DAUGHTER, MR. THOMPSON.
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'VE GOT SOME PANTS TO PRESS.
OH, NO. NO, YOU DON'T.
GO ON, KILL ME. THAT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.
IF MITKA DOESN'T HEAR FROM ME WITHIN A HALF AN HOUR,
HE WILL GO TO THE POLICE.
A HALF AN HOUR, HUH?
COME ON, PAPA. I'M GOING TO TIE YOU UP
AND STUFF THAT BIG MOUTH OF YOURS.
AHA! YOU HEAR? THAT IS MITKA NOW.
COME ON. GET BACK IN THAT CORNER AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
COME IN.
HELLO. I MADE THE INVESTIGATION.
OH. WELL, OK. COME IN.
COMRADE, YOU'RE PERFECT. BASTAKOFF TOLD ME.
OH. WELL, WHO'S BASTAKOFF?
HE'S THE MAN I LOVE MORE THAN ANYBODY IN THE WORLD.
MM-HMM. AND HE SAYS IT'S OK FOR YOU TO GO WITH ME?
YES. HE HAS A GREAT SOUL.
HMM. YES. I LIKE HIM, TOO.
HOW COULD YOU HELP IT? HE'S SO SWEET.
HELLO, FATHER- MY LITTLE CHILD.
GOLUBKA...
SPEAK ENGLISH, FATHER. WE HAVE A GUEST.
COMRADE...
HE WAS WONDERFUL!
BASTAKOFF?
YES.
THIS FELLOW BASTAKOFF ISN'T COMING ALONG, BY ANY CHANCE, IS HE?
OH, NO. HE'S TOO BUSY.
DOING WHAT?
OH, EVERYTHING. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING, TOO.
WHEN I FINISHED TALKING ABOUT YOU, HE TOOK ME IN HIS ARMS
AND SAID, "THEODORE, YOU HAVE IDEALS. FOLLOW THEM!"
OH, A BRUSH-OFF, HUH?
WHAT?
SKIP IT. YOU PACKED?
I TOOK ONLY MY MOTORMAN'S UNIFORM ALONG,
IN CASE WE WANT A WAR FROM WITHIN.
EXCUSE ME. AS A FATHER, MAY I ASK WHAT IS GOING ON?
NOTHING THAT CONCERNS YOU.
I'M GETTING MARRIED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MARRIED? TO WHO?
TO YOU, COMRADE. WHO ELSE?
OH, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
I HAVE A SON!
CONTROL YOURSELF, VANYA.
I'VE HAD A TOUGH DAY.
NOW, LISTEN, THEODORE, I WASN'T FIGURING ON MARRIAGE.
LUCKY FOR YOU I AM THE PRACTICAL ONE.
WE MUST GET MARRIED.
IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET PERMISSION TO LEAVE RUSSIA.
WHAT? YOU LEAVE RUSSIA? FOR WHERE?
TO AMERICA.
YOU'RE LEAVING YOUR FATHER LIKE THIS - ALONE, WITHOUT ANYBODY?
OH, I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS BLACK DAY!
GOLUBKA, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!
YES, YES. OK, VANYA.
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, SHE DON'T GO.
OH, NO, MR. THOMPSON. YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME.
I'M CRYING WITH JOY.
PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY FATHER.
HE HAS NO SOUL, NO BRAIN, NO IDEALS. HE'S A NOBODY.
I'M LESS THAN A NOBODY. I'M A NOTHING.
20 YEARS WE HAVE BEEN EDUCATING RUSSIA, AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
NOTHING. LESS THAN A BABY.
I ONLY KNOW HOW TO BE A FATHER,
BUT THIS I KNEW UNDER THE CZAR, TOO.
LOOK HERE, THEODORE.
JUST WHEN WERE YOU FIGURING ON THIS MARRIAGE?
TONIGHT.
ISN'T IT A LITTLE LATE?
NO, MR. THOMPSON. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE MARRIAGE BUREAU KEEPS OPEN TILL 1 A.M.
STATISTICS SHOW THAT PEOPLE WANT TO GET MARRIED AT NIGHT
MORE THAN IN THE MORNING.
UH, YOU, UH, DON'T FEEL NERVOUS?
WHAT ABOUT?
MARRYING A STRANGER.
THIS IS NOTHING NEW TO ME.
I MARRIED STRANGERS BEFORE.
OH?
UH, HOW MANY?
ONLY TWO.
I DON'T WANT TO SEEM INQUISITIVE,
BUT, UH, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THEM?
OH, I SENT BACK THE POSTAL CARDS.
OH. PLAYING POST OFFICE?
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND, COMRADE.
WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, YOU ARE GIVEN A POSTAL CARD.
WHEN YOU SEND THE POSTAL CARD BACK, MARRIAGE IS OVER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ANY REASON?
NO. IT'S ALL ON THE POSTAL CARD.
ALL YOU DO IS CROSS OUT "HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME"?
YES.
MY FIRST HUSBAND I MET AT AN ATHLETIC EXHIBITION.
WE SHARED THE SAME HORIZONTAL BAR.
BUT BASTAKOFF SAID HE WAS WRONG FOR ME.
HIS SOMERSAULTS WERE NO GOOD?
THEY WERE FINE, BUT HE WAS TOO ANIMAL.
NO IDEALS.
SO YOU PUT HIM BACK ON THE BAR.
YES.
I SUPPOSE NUMBER TWO WAS ALL RIGHT.
TO THE CONTRARY.
WHEN HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF,
I REALIZED I MADE A DANGEROUS MISTAKE.
RICKETS?
NO. HE HAD A PORTRAIT OF THE CZAR TATTOOED ON HIS CHEST.
THAT'S TOUGH.
YES. I FELT BAD,
BUT HE'S AT THE LUBYANKA PRISON NOW,
SO EVERYTHING TURN OUT ALL RIGHT.
WE ARE BEING MARRIED NOW, COMRADE.
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
OH, UH... McKINLEY B. THOMPSON.
UH, HERE. IT'S ON THE PASSPORT.
OH! AMYERIKANYETS.
SI, SEÑOR.
THEODORE.
THEODORE?
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
WHAT'S THE HITCH?
HE SAYS HE CAN'T PUT DOWN "THEODORE"
FOR THE NAME OF THE BRIDE.
IT IS AGAINST THE LAW.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
LIZZA VINESCHKA. IT'S FIXED.
I TOOK THE NAME OF LIZZA VINESCHKA.
HMM. LIZZA VINESCHKA.
SHE DIED UNDER TORTURE BY THE MENSHEVIKS.
HER FEET WERE BURNED OFF.
MAY I BE WORTHY OF HER.
YOU DON'T NEED A STAMP, HUH?
NO. EVERYTHING IS FREE.
COME. WE HAVE LOTS OF WORK TO DO.
WHAT TIME DOES THE PLANE LEAVE?
7 A.M.
BASTAKOFF SAYS YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE PLANE.
I HOPE IT DON'T TURN OUT I MARRIED BASTAKOFF.
I'M A LITTLE TIRED, BUT OH, SO HAPPY, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO STRAIGHTEN OUT SOME THINGS.
I'M MAC, SEE, AND YOU AIN'T THEODORE.
LIZZA VINESCHKA?
WELL, LIZZIE WILL DO.
I TAKE IT YOU'RE SPENDING THE NIGHT HERE, LIZZIE,
PROVIDING I'M NOT TATTOOED.
OH, YES. UNDER THE SOVIET,
MARRIAGE IS THE SAME AS ANYPLACE ELSE.
ONLY SHORTER.
IT IS LIKE GOING INTO PARTNERSHIP WITH SOMEBODY
AND OPENING A STORE.
IF BUSINESS IS BAD, STORE CLOSES.
WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT'S WHAT?
OK, LIZZIE. YOU WIN.
GET BACK TO YOUR CORNER.
STOP! PLEASE! PLEASE!
OLGA MILANOVA!
THEODORE YEKHUBITZ!
MY HERO!
HELLO. GIVE ME THE BARROOM.
COMRADE, THIS IS OLGA MILANOVA.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
BARROOM? SEND ME UP A BOTTLE OF KUEMMEL.
YEAH. ROOM 310. THOMPSON SPEAKING.
SHE'S MY SERGEANT.
WE'RE IN THE SAME WOMEN'S PARACHUTE DIVISION.
SHE'S GOT 8 MEDALS FOR JUMPING.
SHE'S GOING TO GET ANOTHER ONE IN A MINUTE.
YEAH, HELLO.
HELLO? WHO IS THIS?
NO, NO, NO! I DON'T WANT THE KREMLIN.
I WANT KUEMMEL- A BOTTLE OF KUEMMEL.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES. I'VE HAD A HARD DAY.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I RETIRED?
COMRADE MILANOVA, I WOULD LOVE YOU TO STAY,
BUT WE ARE ONLY MARRIED AN HOUR,
AND WE'RE NOT YET ACQUAINTED.
WHOO! YOU'RE MARRIED! MY CONGRATULATIONS, COMRADE!
YOU DID NOT BRING YOUR PARACHUTE.
THEN HOW WILL YOU GO TO THE PARADE TOMORROW?
I'M NOT PARADING.
WE'RE LEAVING FOR AMERICA ON A SECRET MISSION.
OOH! PROPAGANDA.
SABOTAGE. GOOD NIGHT.
MAY STALIN CONQUER.
STALIN WILL NOT FAIL.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A BRIDE, MR. THOMPSON.
I WOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP THIS AFTERNOON.
I, TOO, KNOW HOW TO SERVE RUSSIA.
GOOD-BYE, COMRADE.
I WONDER WHAT I'D GET IF I ORDERED SCOTCH.
PLEASE ORDER NOTHING. WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT:
YOUTH, IDEALS, AND A CAUSE TO FIGHT FOR.
OH. SO YOU DID BRING YOUR PARACHUTE.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS WRONG.
THAT NIGHTGOWN.
YOU DO NOT LIKE NIGHTGOWNS?
WELL, THAT ONE WORRIES ME A LITTLE BIT.
I MUST ASK YOU TO EXPLAIN.
I THOUGHT WE WENT OVER ALL THAT.
I TOLD YOU A FEW HOURS AGO
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA.
I'M NOT MAKING PROPAGANDA NOW.
I'LL SAY YOU'RE NOT.
I'M NOT THINKING OF MYSELF.
PERSONALLY, NIGHTGOWNS MEAN NOTHING TO ME,
BUT YOU'VE GOT WORK TO DO,
AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU START OUT RIGHT.
CHARM, BEAUTY, APPEAL-
THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE GOING TO SPREAD COMMUNISM
IN THE NEW WORLD.
WE BOTH AGREED ON IT.
HERE. PUT THIS ON.
I AM GOING TO SPREAD COMMUNISM IN THIS?
LIKE A HOUSE AFIRE. NOW GO ON.
YOU GOT A JOB TO DO. DO IT RIGHT.
I'M OBEYING YOU BLINDLY, COMRADE.
DON'T WORRY. I'M RUNNING THIS PROPAGANDA UNIT.
WHAT A TROUSSEAU.
IT'S A LITTLE ON THE REACTIONARY SIDE.
I FEEL A LITTLE CONFUSED, BUT I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
COME HERE.
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
I FOUND THIS IN YOUR SUITCASE.
A WONDERFUL FACE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH. WHO IS IT?
BASTAKOFF.
YOU DON'T SAY?
HIS EYES ARE SO SENSITIVE...
AND HIS MOUTH- LIKE A SAINT.
YEAH. SAINT RUSSIA.
SO GENTLE AND YET SO FULL OF IDEALS.
TO SEE HIM IS TO LOVE HIM.
UH, WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
NUMBER 15 LEMSKE PROSPECT.
YOU THINK HE'D BE THERE NOW?
IT IS A LITTLE LATE TO GO CALLING, EVEN ON BASTAKOFF.
NO, NO. NEVER TOO LATE TO CALL ON A SAINT.
MAYBE YOU COULD WRITE HIM A LETTER.
HE READS ENGLISH, AND HE LOVES TO GET LETTERS.
YOU MUST BE TIRED- ALL THAT WALKING.
I'M USED TO WALKING.
YOU JUST TURN OUT THE LIGHTS AND RELAX
SO YOU WON'T HAVE A CHARLEY HORSE IN THE MORNING.
I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I CAN.
ALL I WANT IS A FEW WORDS WITH BASTAKOFF.
MAC! I JUST HEARD YOU GOT A VISA AND ARE LEAVING IN THE MORNING.
OH, SWEETHEART, AM I GLAD I FOUND YOU.
LOOK, DARLING, YOU STILL LOVE ME A LITTLE-
NOT MUCH-JUST ENOUGH TO DO ME ONE FAREWELL FAVOR?
I WAS JUST GOING OUT FOR A BREATH OF AIR.
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE BAR.
NO! I CAN'T TALK TO YOU THERE.
I'VE GOT MY HANDS ON A TERRIFIC STORY.
YEAH? WHAT IS IT?
SOMEBODY TRIED TO ASSASSINATE VASILIEV THIS AFTERNOON.
THEY SHOT HIM IN THE HAND. WORST LUCK.
YOU'LL BE OUT OF THIS DOGCATCHER'S COUNTRY TOMORROW-
LOOK, JANE, I WANT YOU TO MEET-
I WANT YOU TO FILE THE STORY FOR ME WHEN YOU GET OUT.
SHUT UP, WILL YA? I'M TRYING TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMEONE.
YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH AFTER TOKYO!
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY WIFE, YOU DOPE!
WHAT WIFE?
WHOO! WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?
OH, THAT. I THOUGHT YOU'D BE PACKING.
I GOT MARRIED.
MARRIED? OH, NOW, MAC, THAT'S GOING TOO FAR.
WHY SHOULD I SAY I WAS MARRIED IF I WASN'T?
DOES SHE SPEAK ENGLISH?
I SPEAK 5 LANGUAGES!
HOLY IKE!
YES. SHE'S VERY SMART.
TO MARRY McKINLEY B. THOMPSON?
THAT'S NOT SMART, THAT'S WIZARDRY.
CONGRATULATIONS, MY DEAR.
I DIDN'T THINK IT COULD BE DONE WITHOUT A POLICE WARRANT.
YOU ARE SWEETHEART?
RELAX, HONEY. I'M ONE OF THE ALUMNAE.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
ME NEITHER. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT. IT JUST HAPPENED.
A GEISHA GIRL WITH BOWLEGS,
AND I GOT THE JOB OF MADAME BUTTERFLY,
NOSE AGAINST THE WINDOW.
WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO TELL YOU IS THAT WE'RE GREAT OLD FRIENDS, THAT'S ALL.
I DO NOT EXPECT A MAN OF YOUR AGE TO BE ENTIRELY INNOCENT.
HAVE YOU KNOWN EACH OTHER LONG?
NO, BUT WE HAVE THE SAME IDEALS.
I'M GLAD OF THAT. THEN I CAN SPEAK FREELY.
COME ON. THAT'S ENOUGH. WE'LL TAKE A WALK.
ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT? DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU CAN TRUST ME.
I WON'T LET ON TO THE BRIDE WHAT A RAT YOU ARE.
THAT SHE MUST FIND OUT FOR HERSELF.
I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND YOUR HUSBAND DOING SOMETHING FOR ME, WILL YOU?
PARTICULARLY SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP KNOCK THE PROPS OUT OF THIS PHONY SOVIET.
WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS WHAT?
DON'T GET NERVOUS, HONEY. WE'RE ALL SAFE INSIDE THIS ROOM.
WE CAN TAKE OUR IDEALS OUT AND PLAY WITH THEM.
WILL YOU CUT IT OUT? LET'S GO DOWNSTAIRS.
I'LL ONLY STAY A MINUTE.
THE REASON I WANT MAC TO DO THIS FOR ME
IS NOT ONLY BECAUSE WE'RE OLD FRIENDS,
BUT HE AND I ALSO HAVE THE SAME IDEALS.
WE BOTH HATE RUSSIA IN SPADES.
THAT'S A LIE. I LOVE RUSSIA.
WHAT?
IT'S PURELY JEALOUSY. PAY NO ATTENTION TO HER.
WHO'S JEALOUS OF WHAT, YOU FATHEAD?
YOU'VE BEEN HOUNDING ME EVER SINCE I BROKE YOUR HEART. GET OUT.
BROKE MY HEART? WHAT IS THIS?
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL HER THAT I'M NOT A COMMUNIST.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A COMMUNIST?
OH HO HO HO!
OK, OK. NOW BEAT IT.
JUST A MINUTE! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
HONEY, MY NAME'S JANE WILSON, AND I'M QUEEN OF THE MAY.
MINE IS THEODORE YEKHUBITZ, AND I WANT TO INVESTIGATE SOMETHING!
GET BACK IN BED. YOU'LL CATCH COLD.
YOU KEEP QUIET!
YOU'RE SURPRISED TO HEAR HE'S A COMMUNIST?
HE'S NOT THE NOBLE SOUL? HE'S NOT BURNING WITH IDEALS?
OH, HO! THAT IS THE LOWEST, DIRTIEST TRICK
I EVER HEARD OF ANYONE PLAYING, EVEN ON A WIFE.
MAC, YOUR TECHNIQUE MUST BE SLIPPING.
I NEVER KNEW YOU TO STOOP TO POLITICS BEFORE.
NEVER MIND ABOUT MY STORY. I'LL GET IT IN MYSELF.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO SEE BASTAKOFF.
OH, NO. YOU'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE.
I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WHEN YOU PUT ON YOUR TIE.
GIVE ME THAT KEY.
NO. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!
I DON'T TALK TO LADIES WHO START YELLING. IT'S A RULE I'VE GOT.
BE A GOOD GIRL AND GIVE ME THAT KEY.
I WANT THE TRUTH. YOU'RE NOT A COMMUNIST?
WHO SAID I WAS?
YOU TRAITOR! I SEE THROUGH YOU.
YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL ME AWAY FROM RUSSIA!
IS A CAPITALISTIC PLOT!
PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN BEFORE I GET SORE.
NOBODY'S TRYING TO DO ANYTHING.
YOU GOT A POSTCARD. MAIL IT IN.
YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE ME BETRAY RUSSIA? I SPIT ON YOU!
GET BACK IN BED AND BEHAVE YOURSELF.
MY LAST HUSBAND IS IN THE LUBYANKA PRISON ROTTING AWAY.
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE GOING, TO ROT AWAY BESIDE HIM.
LISTEN, BLINTZE BRAIN, PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN, OR I'LL CROWN YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'VE LOST MY HEAD.
I'M BEHAVING LIKE A CHILD.
FINE WEDDING NIGHT THIS TURNED OUT TO BE!
WHO ARE YOU CALLING UP, STUPID?
I'M CALLING THE SECRET POLICE.
OH, YOU ARE, ARE YOU?
YES. YOU'RE A SPY. THEY WILL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
AH!
OH, GET HER. SHE WANTS TO WRESTLE, HUH?
SHUT UP! OW!
SHUT UP!
YOU MR. THOMPSON?
YEAH.
COMMISSAR VASILIEV WISHES TO SEE YOU.
YOU ARE TO COME WITH ME AT ONCE TO THE KREMLIN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NO QUESTIONS, PLEASE.
YOU BRUTE!
WHO IS THIS LADY?
I'M HIS WIFE.
THEN YOU MUST COME WITH HIM.
TO THE SECRET POLICE? GOOD!
THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO GO.
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. I WILL GET DRESSED.
YOU HAVE NOT TIME.
I AM A MEMBER OF THE PARTY. I CANNOT GO LIKE THIS.
YOU WILL COME AS YOU ARE. WE CANNOT WASTE TIME ALLOWING YOU TO DISGUISE YOURSELF.
I'M A FRIEND OF VASILIEV'S. YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT'S UP?
YOU WILL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH, MR. THOMPSON.
OH, EXCUSE.
COMRADE, I WISH TO MAKE A STATEMENT!
I'M A MEMBER OF THE PARTY.
WORKERS' COUNCIL 72, DIVISION "B,"
THEODORE YEKHUBITZ, STREETCAR MOTORMAN.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU ARE TO GO INSIDE.
DON'T BE ROUGH ON HER, PAL.
THIS IS HER BRIDAL NIGHT. SHE'S A LITTLE CONFUSED.
HEY, COMMISSAR.
COME ON OUT. IT'S ONLY ME.
¶ WHEN I CAME HOME LAST NIGHT AT 3 ¶
¶ THE MAN WAS WAITING THERE FOR ME ¶
WELL! A RADIO!
THANKS FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT, COMMISSAR.
OH, HELLO, HOFER. COME ON IN. JOIN THE PARTY.
WHERE'S THE COMMISSAR?
RIGHT THERE. HE'S INVISIBLE.
THERE'S A NEW RUSSIAN INVENTION.
YOU RUB IT ON YOUR HAIR, AND YOU DISAPPEAR.
OUGHT TO COME IN HANDY IF YOU'RE A DETECTIVE.
YOUR JOKES, MR. THOMPSON, FAIL TO AMUSE ME.
COMMISSAR VASILIEV!
YOU'RE A FINE PAL, COMMISSAR,
GETTING A GUY OUT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
MAY I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU, COMMISSAR,
ON YOUR DEPLORABLE ACCIDENT THIS AFTERNOON.
PLEASE SIT DOWN, GENTLEMEN.
AN EXIT VISA HAS BEEN SIGNED FOR YOU, MR. THOMPSON.
WHEN DID YOU INTEND TO LEAVE?
ON THE 7:00 PLANE.
WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?
I HATE TO SAY, COMMISSAR. YOU'LL JUST GET SORE.
I'VE ASKED THE QUESTION.
OK. NOW, NO HARD FEELINGS,
BUT I'M KIND OF LONELY TO GET BACK TO GOOD OLD U.S.A.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
IF YOU WERE STUCK AWAY IN NEW YORK WITH NOTHING TO DO
BUT TO SEE THE YANKEES PLAY BALL
OR STAY UP ALL NIGHT DANCING IN SOME HOT SPOT,
YOU'D GET LONELY FOR ALL THIS
AND WANT TO GET BACK TO THE KREMLIN AND THE SECRET POLICE.
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.
DOES THAT BELONG TO YOU, HERR VON HOFER?
NO.
YOU ARE INTERESTED IN IT?
I BEG YOU TO FORGIVE ME, HERR COMMISSAR.
MY MIND WAS ON SOMETHING ELSE.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?
ALL RADIOS LOOK ALIKE TO ME. IT'S GERMAN-MADE.
HOW ABOUT IT, HOFER? SOMEBODY STEAL THIS FROM YOU?
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT RADIO BEFORE. I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
THIS IS NOT A RADIO, HERR VON HOFER.
THIS IS A SECRET CAMERA.
NO!
YOU DON'T SAY? WELL, WELL!
I TAKE IT THIS IS SOME KIND OF EVIDENCE, HUH?
YES.
WHOSE IS IT? IF YOU'RE NOT GIVING AWAY STATE SECRETS.
IT IS THE PROPERTY OF COMRADE X.
THEN YOU'VE CAUGHT HIM?
YES, WE'VE CAUGHT HIM.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, COMMISSAR. THAT'S QUITE A FEATHER IN YOUR CAP.
YOU ARE PLEASED?
I ALWAYS LIKE TO SEE A PAL MAKE GOOD, SURE.
ARE YOU GIVING US A STATEMENT ON THE SUBJECT TONIGHT?
YES.
THERE IS COMRADE X FOR YOU, GENTLEMEN.
WHICH ONE IS COMRADE X?
YOU KNOW THIS MAN, HERR VON HOFER?
YES. HE'S AN EMPLOYEE OF THE HOTEL AMBASSADOR.
I KNOW HIM AS A VALET.
AND YOU?
LISTEN, COMMISSAR, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL YOUR PARTY,
BUT IF THAT'S COMRADE X, I'LL EAT THE KREMLIN WITHOUT SAUCE.
TAKE IT EASY, VANYA. I'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT FOR YOU.
THIS FELLOW IS THE DUMBEST, DOPIEST VALET IN ALL MOSCOW.
I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR MONTHS. HE'S A POTATO-HEAD.
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS, COMMISSAR.
THIS SECRET CAMERA WAS FOUND IN HIS ROOM, INSIDE HIS PILLOW.
DO YOU WISH TO MAKE A STATEMENT TO THE PRESS, IVAN FEDOROVICH YEKHUBITZ?
YES. WHY NOT?
PROCEED.
I'M COMRADE X.
CONTINUE, PLEASE.
WHAT ELSE? UH...I'M A TRAITOR TO RUSSIA,
AND I'VE WORKED VERY HARD
TO UNDERMINE THE SOVIET, AND, UM...
I'M COMRADE X. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?
HE'S DRUNK.
I'M GLAD FOR OUR SAKES IT WASN'T ONE OF US.
I'M NOT SO CERTAIN YET, HERR VON HOFER.
YEKHUBITZ WAS UNDOUBTEDLY HIDING THE CAMERA FOR SOMEONE ELSE,
AND YOUR JOINT SECRETARY REPORTS THAT SHE SAW IT THIS MORNING
IN THE SUITE SHARED BY YOU AND MR. THOMPSON.
WHO WAS YOUR ACCOMPLICE, COMRADE X?
WHO WAS WHAT?
WHO HELPED YOU?
WHO HELPED ME? WHAT DO I NEED HELP FOR?
YOU'RE LYING. WE KNOW YOU WERE IN LEAGUE
WITH ONE OF THE FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS.
NEVER, AS GOD AS MY JUDGE.
THERE IS NO GOD.
THEN WHOEVER IS IN HIS PLACE, LET HIM JUDGE, COMMISSAR.
IT'S THE SAME THING TO ME, WHOEVER JUDGES.
COMMISSAR.
IT SEEMS YOUR DAUGHTER IS OUTSIDE AND WISHES TO SPEAK TO ME.
WHAT? THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I HAVE NO DAUGHTER.
DO YOU WISH TO MAKE A STATEMENT?
COMRADE COMMISSAR, I AM A MEMBER OF THE PARTY.
I HAVE SENT ONE HUSBAND TO PRISON
BECAUSE HE WAS A TRAITOR.
MY RECORD IS CLEAN.
YOU KNOW THIS MAN?
I KNOW HIM SINCE I WAS BORN. HE'S MY FATHER.
I CAN BRING YOU WITNESSES THAT I NEVER SAW HER BEFORE.
QUIET. PROCEED.
MY FATHER IS NOT COMRADE X, COMMISSAR.
I CAN PROVE IT.
YOU CAN PROVE IT? I CAN PROVE IT, TOO!
THAT HANDKERCHIEF PROVES IT.
I TOLD YOU I'D STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT FOR YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE IT TO ME AND KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT?
YOU KEEP SHUT! WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?
I'M AN OLD MAN. LOOK HERE, COMMISSAR-
DON'T BE AN IDIOT, VANYA.
YOU SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO PROTECT YOUR VALET, MR. THOMPSON.
I'M ANXIOUS TO SEE ANYONE GET A FAIR TRIAL, COMMISSAR.
VERY COMMENDABLE. PROCEED.
WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT THIS HANDKERCHIEF?
HA! THAT'S HOW I FOOLED THE WHOLE POLICE.
LOOK HERE, COMMISSAR.
YOU JUST PUT THIS HANDKERCHIEF OVER SOMETHING,
AND YOU WILL SEE.
LOOK. YOU SEE HOW IT SHOWS THROUGH?
SOMEBODY ELSE OUTSIDE RUSSIA
HAS A HANDKERCHIEF JUST LIKE THIS ONE.
THEY PUT IT OVER MY WRITING,
AND THEY ONLY READ WHAT I WANT THEM TO READ.
THAT'S AN OLD TRICK FOR SENDING CODE MESSAGES.
YES.
YES, I KNOW. SIMPLE, BUT CLEVER.
HAVE A LOOK, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU'LL SEE THAT CERTAIN WORDS APPEAR THROUGH THE LINEN.
HMM.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
LOOKS AS THOUGH YOUR TROUBLES ARE ALMOST OVER, COMMISSAR.
ALMOST.
YOUR FATHER IS A STUPID MAN.
I HAVEN'T BELIEVED FOR A MINUTE THAT HE ALONE IS COMRADE X.
I EXPECTED HIM TO TELL ME WHO HIS EMPLOYER IS.
NOW HE HAS TOLD.
I HAVE TOLD NOTHING!
SEND TO THE PRESS BUREAU FOR ALL COPY MAIL OUT OF RUSSIA
FOR EVERY FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT IN THE LAST 8 MONTHS.
AT ONCE, COMMISSAR.
HAVE THEM BROUGHT TO MY OFFICE,
AND NO CORRESPONDENT IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE HIS ROOM OR USE THE TELEPHONE.
HERR VON HOFER?
YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR ROOM.
YOUR COPY WILL BE READ THROUGH THIS HANDKERCHIEF.
I'LL NOTIFY YOU OF ANY RESULTS.
YES, COMMISSAR. I CAN ONLY WISH YOU A QUICK SUCCESS.
AND YOU, MR. THOMPSON,
I'M AFRAID, WILL HAVE TO POSTPONE FOR A WHILE
YOUR DEPARTURE FROM RUSSIA.
SAY, YOU COULDN'T DRIVE ME AWAY NOW.
I'LL BE ON PINS AND NEEDLES UNTIL YOU FIND THE HEEL
THAT'S LETTING THIS POOR GOOF TAKE THE RAP FOR HIM.
PROMISE YOU'LL LET ME KNOW THE MINUTE IT BREAKS.
I'LL BE SITTING RIGHT BY THE PHONE.
YOU SHALL BE THE FIRST TO HEAR.
THANKS. THANKS, COMMISSAR.
COME ON, THEODORE.
I HATE YOU.
SHAME ON YOU TO SAY YOU HATE YOUR OWN HUSBAND.
JUST A MOMENT.
DID YOU SAY HUSBAND?
YES.
QUIT JOKING. THE COMMISSAR HAS WORK TO DO.
DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU LIED TO ME.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS A COMMUNIST,
INTERESTED IN WORLD REVOLUTION.
HE SWORE IT!
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU'RE CRAZY IN LOVE WITH A GIRL
AND SHE'S A LITTLE CRACKED ON SOME SUBJECT.
COME ON, HONEY.
ONE MOMENT, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU TRY TO LEAVE RUSSIA SUDDENLY,
AND ON THE EVE OF YOUR DEPARTURE,
YOU MARRY THE DAUGHTER OF A MAN WHO STUPIDLY TRIES
TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR BEING COMRADE X.
THAT'S QUITE AN INTERESTING STORY, COMMISSAR.
WHY DON'T YOU SEND THESE PEOPLE HOME,
AND WE'LL HAVE A LONG TALK ABOUT IT?
YOU ARE GOING TO BE HELD IN THE KREMLIN, MR. THOMPSON-
YOU, THIS MAN, AND THIS WOMAN - BUT NOT FOR LONG.
I PROMISE YOU, YOURS WILL BE THE FIRST COPY
WHICH I WILL READ THROUGH THIS HANDKERCHIEF.
TAKE THE PRISONERS.
WHAT IS THIS?
WHY AM I TREATED LIKE THIS?
I CAME HERE AS YOUR FRIEND TO CONFESS!
HERE'S A MESSAGE TO THE AMERICAN EMBASSY.
I DEMAND YOU HAVE IT DELIVERED.
TAKE THE PRISONERS.
PLEASE, COME WITH US.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, MAC?
WHY DOES A MAN LIE TO A WOMAN?
BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.
HE SAYS, PLEASE, NOT TO TALK.
COME ON, VANYA.
YOU'RE A BIG BOY NOW. YOU MUSTN'T CRY.
I'M CRYING FOR YOU AND FOR GOLUBKA.
LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU.
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL.
YOU ARE YOUNG, AND YOU ARE IN LOVE.
WHAT IS LOVE? AN ACCIDENT.
GORKI SAYS LOVE IS THE FAILURE OF THE MIND TO UNDERSTAND NATURE.
GORKI, SCHMORKI.
I SAY YOU SHOULD BE LYING IN A FIELD OF DAISIES,
AND LOOK WHERE I HAVE BROUGHT YOU.
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
MANY HAVE DIED FOR RUSSIA.
WE ARE 3 MORE.
I FORGIVE YOU, FATHER.
AND YOU, TOO, COMRADE. I FORGIVE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT SORE AT ME?
YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR YOUR CRIME.
IN A LITTLE WHILE, YOU WILL BE LYING SILENT...FOREVER.
HEY, LISTEN, HONEY. I TAKE A LOT OF KILLING.
COME ON. FORGIVE ME AGAIN.
MAXIMILIAN!
THEODORE!
WHO ARE THOSE JITTERBUGS?
HER FRIENDS.
WHAT, UM... WHAT ARE THEY SINGING?
SAME THING THEY ALWAYS SING IN PRISON:
"WE ARE FREE."
I'M HAPPY NOW. THEY'RE ALL HERE.
YEAH. YES, IT DOES MAKE IT KIND OF HOMEY.
IS, UH...BASTAKOFF A MEMBER OF YOUR LITERARY GROUP?
PLEASE DON'T SPEAK HIS NAME.
WHY NOT?
WE WILL DIE WITHOUT BETRAYING HIM.
KIND OF SMART OF HIM TO STAY AWAY.
WE ARE IN THE CELL FOR THE DEAD.
OUR TIME WILL COME SOON.
BASTAKOFF WILL BE PROUD OF US.
HEY, LISTEN, BABY. YOU'RE TWO JUMPS AHEAD OF A BUTTERFLY NET,
LIKE NEARLY ALL THE RUSSIANS I KNOW.
THEY'VE ALL BLINDFOLDED THEMSELVES,
AND THEY'RE HANGING FROM THE CHANDELIERS BY THEIR TOES,
THROWING ROCKS AT EACH OTHER,
AND FOR A FINISH, THEY'LL SET FIRE TO THEIR PANTS.
THEY'RE ALL A LOT OF POLITICAL PALOOKAS PLAYING AT HALLOWEEN,
AND WHEN YOU ASK THEM WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
THEY'LL HOLLER BACK, "IDEALS."
WELL, I GOT A FEW IDEALS OF MY OWN, BABY,
AND RIGHT NOW, THEY TELL ME THAT YOU WEREN'T MEANT
TO BE A MOTORMAN OR A PUMPKIN-HEAD.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,
AND NOBODY'S GOING TO TURN A MACHINE GUN ON YOU IF I CAN HELP IT.
THAT'S MY POLITIC.
WHAT DID THE OFFICER SAY?
THE SAME THING AS BEFORE-
HE'S GOING TO TELL SOMEBODY UPSTAIRS - BUT HE'S LYING.
HE'S BEEN LYING ALL NIGHT.
WE ARE NEXT.
OH, I'D LIKE TO GET SOME SLEEP BEFORE I DIE.
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. PROCEED.
I WANT TO TALK TO VASILIEV.
WHY DO YOU WISH TO TALK TO VASILIEV?
HERE'S MY PROPOSITION. YOU TAKE ME UP TO HIM, AND I'LL GIVE HIM
THE NAME OF THE MAN WHO TRIED TO ASSASSINATE HIM YESTERDAY,
THE LEADER OF THIS COUNTERREVOLUTION,
AND I'LL GIVE HIM A PICTURE OF THE FELLOW DOING THE SHOOTING.
YOU HAVE THIS?
VASILIEV HAS BEEN EXECUTING A LOT OF HARMLESS PEOPLE HERE
WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE JUST BEING USED
BY THIS UNDERHANDED, DOUBLE-CROSSING KILLER.
HE'S BAD, DANGEROUS. HE MEANS BUSINESS.
YOU PHOTOGRAPHED HIM WHILE HE WAS SHOOTING VASILIEV?
THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'M READY TO MAKE A DEAL WITH THE COMMISSAR.
I HAVE REPEATED TO THE COMMISSAR YOUR INFORMATION.
HE WILL SEE YOU NOW.
THANKS.
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. THOMPSON?
HELLO.
I'M MICHAEL BASTAKOFF.
SO I SEE.
YOU ARE SURPRISED TO SEE ME.
YES, MR. BASTAKOFF,
AND I DON'T SURPRISE EASY.
SIT DOWN.
THANKS.
I TAKE IT COMRADE VASILIEV IS NOT AROUND.
MY PREDECESSOR WAS A VICTIM LAST NIGHT OF A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT.
IS HE EXPECTED TO RECOVER?
NO. HE CAUGHT PNEUMONIA.
I UNDERSTAND YOU KNOW ME, MR. THOMPSON.
I HAD THE PLEASURE OF SEEING YOU
IN YOUR COFFIN, MR. BASTAKOFF.
YOU ARE MORE NAIVE THAN I EXPECTED, MR. THOMPSON,
BUT ONE CAN NEVER HOPE TO MEET A REALIST
AND AN AMERICAN AT THE SAME TIME.
FIRST, ALLOW ME TO ASSURE YOU I GREATLY ADMIRE
THE GENIUS YOU HAVE REVEALED AS COMRADE X.
YOU FINALLY TRACKED ME DOWN, HUH?
WE ARE WASTING TIME, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME.
YES- RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
MAY I SEE IT?
SURE.
HOW QUICKLY FORTUNE CHANGES WHEN WE HELP IT A LITTLE.
HA HA! IT IS NOT VERY FLATTERING, HUH?
HA HA!
YOU HAVE OTHER PRINTS OF THIS?
NO. ONLY THE NEGATIVE.
AND THAT IS HIDDEN.
RIGHT.
I SEE I AM DEALING WITH A RESOURCEFUL MAN, MR. THOMPSON.
MAY I ASK YOU ALSO TO BE A REALIST FOR A FEW MINUTES?
I WILL BE FRANK WITH YOU.
THIS PHOTOGRAPH IS EXCEEDINGLY EMBARRASSING TO ME.
IT REVEALS A PHASE OF MY LIFE THAT I HAVE, UH...OUTGROWN.
I IMAGINE THE FACT THAT 100 RUSSIANS
WERE EXECUTED LAST NIGHT
FOR BEING FOLLOWERS OF BASTAKOFF
IS ALSO A LITTLE EMBARRASSING.
IT IS, MR. THOMPSON, I ADMIT.
ESPECIALLY SINCE IT WAS BASTAKOFF
WHO ORDERED THEIR EXECUTION.
I WILL CONTINUE TO BE FRANK, MR. THOMPSON,
BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO BE EQUALLY FRANK WITH ME.
IN ASSUMING THE POST OF POLICE CHIEF,
MY FIRST DUTY WAS TO CONVINCE THE GOVERNMENT OF MY SINCERITY.
WHAT MORE CONVINCING GESTURE COULD I MAKE
THAN THE LIQUIDATION OF MY OWN DISCIPLES?
THE PARTY ITSELF HAS CONGRATULATED ME.
I DON'T GET IT. FOR WHAT?
FOR MANY THINGS-
FOR LOVING RUSSIA AS A WHOLE,
FOR RIDDING MYSELF OF PEOPLE WHO WERE STUPID ENOUGH
TO ADMIRE ME AS AN ENEMY OF THE GOVERNMENT.
BUT WE ARE NOT HERE TO DISCUSS MY VIRTUES.
I HAVE TOLD YOU ALL THIS, MR. THOMPSON,
BECAUSE I TRUST YOU, AND BECAUSE, UH...
WELL, AS YOU SAY IN YOUR COUNTRY,
I WANT TO PLAY BALL ON YOU.
YOU WANT THE NEGATIVE.
AND YOU WANT YOUR LIFE.
IT IS NOT A BAD BARGAIN.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK MY LIFE IS WORTH THAT MUCH.
YOU ARE VERY MODEST, MR. THOMPSON.
HOW ABOUT RAISING THE ANTE?
I AM WILLING, AS YOU SAY IN YOUR COUNTRY,
TO PUT MY CARDS UNDER THE TABLE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE A WIFE DOWNSTAIRS.
WHAT IS HER CRIME?
WELL, ABOUT THE ONLY WRONG THING
SHE'S EVER DONE IN HER LIFE IS TO ADMIRE BASTAKOFF.
AH, SHE ADMIRED BASTAKOFF THE PHILOSOPHER.
THEN SHE IS AN ENEMY OF BASTAKOFF THE POLICE COMMISSAR.
TOO BAD. WHAT IS HER NAME?
YEKHUBITZ.
AH, YES. THEODORE.
AN IDIOT.
DANGEROUSLY NAIVE.
IT IS SUCH PEOPLE WHO KEEP RUSSIA IN HER IDEALISTIC ROMPERS.
I WANT HER AND HER FATHER.
ANOTHER IDIOT.
LISTEN, BASTAKOFF, YOU ARE, IN MY OPINION, NOT A JUDGE OF IDIOCY,
MORE A PROOF OF IT.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU HAVE ME AT A DISADVANTAGE.
I MUST YIELD.
I'M SORRY I BLEW UP. YOU'LL LET US OUT?
YES. YOU ARE ALL FREE.
IN ADDITION, I FORGIVE YOU FOR BEING COMRADE X.
MR. THOMPSON, YOU HAVE MADE ME VERY HAPPY.
YOU HAVE TOUCHED A SIDE OF ME
I DIDN'T THINK REMAINED IN THE POLICE COMMISSAR.
YOU TRUST ME, MR. THOMPSON.
OH, YOU'RE 100%, MR. BASTAKOFF.
I TRUST YOU, TOO.
I AM PLACING MY FUTURE IN YOUR HANDS.
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN, COMMISSAR.
I'LL GET THE NEGATIVE AND SEND IT
RIGHT BACK TO YOU WITH THE BELLBOY.
GOOD.
I'LL GIVE THE NECESSARY ORDERS, MR. THOMPSON,
TO SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT MOLESTED ANYMORE.
YOU'LL NATURALLY SAY NOTHING ABOUT ALL THIS TO YOUR NEWSPAPER.
AFTER WHAT YOU'VE DONE? OH, NOT A PEEP!
I HAVE YOUR WORD OF HONOR?
AS THEY SAY IN MY COUNTRY, YOU CAN COUNT ME OUT.
THANKS. I WISH YOU MUCH HAPPINESS, MR. THOMPSON.
THE SAME TO YOU, MR. BASTAKOFF.
THANK YOU, MR. BASTAKOFF.
THANK YOU, MR. THOMPSON.
YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE OUT IMMEDIATELY, MR. THOMPSON.
THE COMMISSAR HIMSELF HAS ORDERED A TAXICAB.
THANKS.
MR. THOMPSON, WHAT IS THIS?
WHY ARE THEY GOING TO SHOOT US IN THE STREET?
EVERYBODY ELSE GOT SHOT IN THE KREMLIN.
YES. WELL, TAKE IT EASY, VANYA.
THEY HAVEN'T SHOT US...YET.
COME ON. GET IN.
TELL THE COMMISSAR THANKS A LOT.
IT IS NOTHING, SIR.
THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
HOTEL AMBASSADOR. STEP ON IT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
BASTAKOFF SAVED OUR LIVES.
BASTAKOFF? WHERE IS HE?
IN HIS OFFICE. HE'S THE NEW CHIEF OF POLICE.
VASILIEV GOT PNEUMONIA LAST NIGHT-
GALLOPING PNEUMONIA WITH LEAD COMPLICATIONS.
YOU'RE TELLING ME BASTAKOFF IS THE POLICE COMMISSAR? NO.
HE AIN'T NOTHING ELSE BUT.
BASTAKOFF IS A POET, NOT A POLICEMAN.
THEN HE'S GOT A DUAL PERSONALITY.
BUT THOSE PEOPLE LOVE HIM.
HE WOULDN'T KILL PEOPLE WHO LOVE HIM.
ALL RIGHT. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK HIM.
WHO'S THE NEW HEAD OF THE K.P.U.?
TOVARISH BASTAKOFF.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
EVERYBODY LOVES BASTAKOFF.
BASTAKOFF KILLS EVERYBODY.
EVERYTHING BALANCES.
YOU KNOW ANYPLACE WE COULD STOP AND GET A HOT DOG?
SORRY, OLD MAN, BUT THIS IS A CAPITALISTIC STREET.
MR. THOMPSON, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOUR PAL BASTAKOFF'S A GREAT LITTLE GUY, BABY.
I TOLD HIM I HAD SOME EVIDENCE AGAINST HIM.
SOON AS I LEAD HIM TO IT,
HE'LL GIVE ME PNEUMONIA, AND YOU, TOO.
WHERE'S THE EVIDENCE?
IN MY POCKET. SOON AS THEY SEE
WE'RE NOT HEADING FOR THE HOTEL, THEY'LL OPEN UP.
GET DOWN. WE'RE TURNING OFF.
HERE THEY COME. GET DOWN!
I THINK THEY ARE CATCHING UP.
STAY ON THE FLOOR.
COME ON!
WHERE? THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.
COME ON, I SAY!
CLIMB ON!
HURRY UP, POP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? IS SHE HURT?
TERRIBLE.
HERE, HERE, HERE. SHE SPRAIN SOMETHING?
HERE, HERE, HERE, HONEY.
HER SOUL IS DEAD.
OH, THAT.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE. SHE TOLD ME.
DON'T FEEL BAD, HONEY. WE'LL GET OUT OF THIS.
LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY ROTTEN WORLD FROM WHERE WE SIT,
FULL OF MURDER AND DOUBLE-CROSS
WITH A HANDFUL OF HIGH-PRESSURE BOYS
PEDDLING GRAVEYARDS UP AND DOWN EVERY STREET IN EUROPE.
BUT I KNOW A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN STILL DIE OF WHOOPING COUGH.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE WHAT YOU DIE OF?
YOU DIE. THAT'S ENOUGH.
I, UH...I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I LIED TO YOU.
WHAT ABOUT?
THE U.S.A.
IT AIN'T A SPIRITUAL DESERT.
SAY, IT'S PIE A LA MODE,
TWO-PANTS SUITS AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE,
PIKES PEAK AND CONEY ISLAND.
AND I TOLD YOU WRONG ABOUT THE BROOKLYN DODGERS.
THEY FINISHED IN SECOND PLACE.
HOW...HOW CAN WE GET THERE?
WE'LL WALK.
WHEN THIS PERCOLATOR STOPS,
WE'LL GET OUT AND WALK UNTIL WE FALL DOWN OR GET SHOT.
THEY'RE GOING TO SHOOT US ON SIGHT, ANYWAY...
BUT THEY GOT TO SEE US FIRST.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME VISITORS.
WHO IS IT?
THE RUSSIAN ARMY.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE A LITTLE OUTNUMBERED.
SOMEBODY MUST HAVE SEEN US BOARD THE VODKA LIMITED.
NO. THEY'RE NOT SEARCHING FOR US.
THEY'RE NOT?
LOOK. THEY'RE MANNING THE TANKS. SEE?
3 IN EACH TANK.
WHAT'S THAT PROVE?
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? 3 IS A CREW.
AT SCHOOL, WE HAD 4:
PILOT, COPILOT, CO-COPILOT, CO-CO-COPILOT.
QUIT STUTTERING.
SAY, YOU MEAN YOU KNOW HOW THIS THING TICKS?
A LITTLE. I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL FOR TANK MANEUVERS.
GET IN THAT SEAT, HONEY.
YOU'RE GOING TO DO A LITTLE HOMEWORK.
OOH!
NO, NO, NO. TELL HIM TO GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR.
ALL RIGHT. TIE HIM UP.
OK, LIZZIE, LET HER GO!
SEE THOSE TANKS? HEAD OVER THERE
LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE A PLACE IN THEIR FORMATION.
THEN WHEN I GIVE YOU THE WORD,
START EDGING OVER TOWARD THOSE TREES.
MAKE IT SLOW, THOUGH.
GENERAL BOBINSKI!
OH! WE ARE KILLED!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THEY ARE COMING!
STEP ON IT!
STEP ON WHAT?
GO FASTER!
THIS IS THE FASTEST I CAN GO.
WAIT A MINUTE. NOW I REMEMBER.
THIS IS FOR SPEED.
HEY, WE'VE STOPPED!
LET ME HAVE A BANG AT THIS TRACTOR.
I'M PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK, HONEY.
WE'RE GOING TO SIT IN THOSE BUSHES FOR A WHILE.
SO LONG, FELLAS. HAVE A NICE TRIP.
WELL, WE DID IT, HONEY. WE GAVE THEM THE SLIP.
OH! WE ARE KILLED!
IT'S TRUE! HERE THEY COME!
WHO?
THE TANKS. THEY MUST HAVE SEEN US.
HOLY IKE!
MAC!
HURRY! HURRY UP, MR. THOMPSON!
THIS MUZHIK IS BITING!
WELL, BITE HIM BACK!
HEY, CAN'T YOU DODGE THOSE TREES, LIZZIE?
YOU SEE ANYTHING?
NOTHING. NOT A SOUL. WE ARE SAFE NOW.
LOOK!
HEY, COME HERE!
VANYA, COME HERE!
I SEE NOTHING.
THAT'S WHAT'S THERE, ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE!
WE'RE CORNERED, TRAPPED LIKE RATS IN RUSSIA.
OH, MY GLASSES.
HEY! HEY, COME HERE!
WHAT SHALL WE DO NOW?
STAY BACK HERE AS FAR AS YOU CAN.
PRAY THAT I GET THIS THING IN REVERSE THE FIRST TIME.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID, "THIS IS GENERAL BOBINSKI. COME QUICK."
TURN ON THAT RADIO.
WHAT'S THAT SAY?
HE SAID, "LEAD ON, GENERAL BOBINSKI.
WE ARE WITH YOU TO THE LAST MAN!"
YOU UNDERSTAND? WE'RE IN THE GENERAL'S TANK.
THEY'RE NOT CHASING US. THEY'RE FOLLOWING US!
FOLLOWING US?
YES.
HOLY IKE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
WELL, SIT DOWN, KIDS,
AND MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.
FROM NOW ON, WE CAN RELAX.
NOW, I'LL JUST BACK THIS KIDDIE CAR OFF THIS TIGHTROPE,
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE CLEAR SAILING.
I LOVE YOU, MR. THOMPSON.
YOU HAVE SAVED US.
WE ARE AT DNEISTER RIVER.
ON THE OTHER SIDE IS RUMANIA.
THEY HAVE PROMISED NOT TO GO INTO RUMANIA RIGHT NOW.
OH, OH.
WELL, HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS, BOYS.
HERE'S WHERE RUSSIA BREAKS ANOTHER PROMISE.
MAY I ASK, MR. THOMPSON, WHERE ARE WE GOING?
HOLD YOUR BREATH, VANYA.
WE'RE IN THE NAVY NOW.
MR. THOMPSON, THEY ARE GOING TO FOLLOW US ALL THE WAY TO AMERICA!
OH, NO, THEY'RE NOT.
I GOT IT. GET ON THAT RADIO.
TELL THEM TO TURN BACK TO THE BORDER
AND WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTION.
YES. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT WILL WE DO NOW?
WE'RE GOING TO GET CAPTURED, INTERNED, AND RELEASED
BY THE AMERICAN CONSUL.
HOW DO YOU SAY "SURRENDER" IN RUMANIAN?
CAPITULUM.
CAPITULUM?
YES.
¶ CAPITULUM, CAPITULI ¶
¶ CAPITULI, CAPITULUM ¶
¶ JOY IS EVERYWHERE ¶
¶ CAPITULI, CAPITULUM ¶
IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH TO SURRENDER TO THESE PEOPLE.
YOU GOT TO CATCH THEM FIRST.
GO ON! GO ON TO THIRD!
THE HOME RUN! COME ON, BROOKLYN!
MAY I ASK WHAT IS GOING ON?
THE DODGERS ARE MURDERING THE REDS!
AHA!
THE COUNTERREVOLUTION!